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spot all night again tonight
ran into tuz and maris, which was a wonderful surprise :]
MATT was working. lame. that kid stares at me so much it's unreal. blaaaaaah
exams all week. nutso. go add me on myspace or facebook. myspace.com/ash627
i need new friends, my life needs to go through some transitions right now

tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of my grandfathers death.
wow.
3 years have gone by FAST.
everyone pray for ryan ross[the ADORABLE boy in my icon,for those who dont know...if thats the case,you live under a rock].keep him in your thoughts.do whatever it is you do for someone who has a lot of shit going on in their lives.
he needs your support right now.

so i just took a nap and had a dream.and in this dream,there was toooo much shit that went on.
a)i went to a believe in you show and saw dustin there,where he proceeded to tell me that he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again.{thank GOD:]}
b)the early november was OPENING for believe in you and i apparently was the only one at the show that knew the early november's music and so was the only one singing along.and ace looked very sad so i waved at him and he actually looked surprised that someone knew him.
c)jessaboo and zabrina were there and were mad at me and wouldnt talk to me:[now THAT is sad.
d)brian and paul walked off the stage in the middle of their set because they were hungry.
e)gab was eating mcdonalds.and i asked her "what happened to the whole veganism thing?"and she was like"oh i got hungry"[awww gab he was cute lol]hahahahhaa
i have very odd dreams.

wow 2 posts two days in a row.
one thing that has been freaking me out.
this girl added me on myspace FROM FRICKING HAWAII and her fricking song is teasing to please by cute is what we aim for.
now sure cute makes awesome music and all,but how the HELL did that happen?!did i miss something,cuz that freaks me out.a yearago they were nothing more than a buffalo band and now EVERYONE knows them cuz like ohemgee,theyre like signed to fbr,like awesome!
it scares me the sped up lifetime of a band.
i dont want believe in you to do that.or highway.oooor any other GOOD bands that DESERVE what they have and arent ASSHOLES.cute,i couldnt care less.
and now i have a math exam to fail and then a global one after that.:]

woo hoo so today i got my winter dance dress!! shut up to gab, i can stop stressing now lol. its strapless and like a cranberry red color and it has a shawl/sash/whatever the hell its called and a little "cuff" along the top, just a little piece of material...so gorgeous.
tofurky day was good, i found out my cousin brandon smokes, gross. and so i'll make $50 by xmas eve cuz i bet he wouldnt be able to quit by then but we shook and hugged on him quitting so hopefully he will.
we went to my aunts house last night, it was the first time my sisters bf met her and she was wasted within two hours i yi yi it was pretty funny though lol. im a bad edger, what can i say, 4'11" women that weigh 100 pounds and are hammered and dancing around like idiots make me giggle. poor chris though, he was so embarassed lol we're like yep thats aunt di for ya. but it was fun i got to see my cousins who i havent seen since before school.
2 weeks to winter dance! woo hoo no elaboration needed there lol.
gab, i havent talked to you all long weekend long, does that feel weird to you too or is it just me? lol
yesterday we went to the mall with my aunt lee and we saw brian working. hehe he made me laugh, cuz i saw him from across the mall. but i didnt say hi cuz i looked like shit yesterday, me and aunt beena went out at 530 lol we are the crazies you laugh at on tv lol. and we watched the sixth sense, ive never seen it before and 15 minutes into the movie i knew bruce willis was dead. so it was pretty lame. good concept though, they just probably could have done it better thats all.
-*rock on*-
ash

so today was like the shittiest day this school year has had to offer, even shittier than when i had to deal with dustin and kari being mad/sad with/at eachother after they broke up.
it was such shit i was in the worst mood you could even imagine.
and i got pissy with some people that didnt deserve it. sorry caroline and shawna and jeff maybe(idk if i was being pissy with him...i dont think so but better apologize if i was)?
and i got bitchy with some people that did.
and i came home, showered, didnt bring my binder for a test in chem that i will now fail home, and then slept.
woke up and ate, finished perks of being a wallflower(best effing book ever) and then slept a little more.
i think i might be kinda depressed.
i just have not been myself lately, anyone else been noticing that?
i mean im generally a happy nice person but its like lately if ur not my mom my cousins my sister dustin or anyone at church, i dont want you near me or i dont want to deal with you.
i really think i just need this week to end and tnt to get here so that i can be with brian for a couple hours bcause he makes me feel at ease with myself and really relaxed.
so yep, hopefully once this week is over with, ill be okay.
-*rock on*-
ash

so ive come to some realizations lately...i am not nearly as unique or thoughtful as i think i am,or rather,would like to be...half the time when i do something,im looking out for what itll do for me, not for the other person...this includes when i do shit for friends...sorry guys, im not so great at doing things if theres no gain for me...most of the time,even if i do have to sacrifice something to do something i dont really want to, im grumbling and pissing and moaning anyways...and this makes me feel more shitty because i realize i have friends that will do anything for me anytime...seriously, there are people that would (and have told me they would) die for me if it meant my life was just a little longer...that makes me feel like shit because i cant honestly say there is anyone besides family that i would do that for...sure i could tell you i would, and have every intention and believe it completely, but the second i was faced with ACTUAL death, id be gone quicker than a pizza at a weight watchers convention..."where the fuck is this coming from and where is it going?" is probably what youre thinking right now and its coming from a period of math where i got to just sit and do fucking nothing, just totally dazed out of reality...and its going to a place because im kinda missing someone right now that i havent talked to in a while and he kinda keeps me sane and hes a very good friend and im not as good to him...which makes me feel like shit but at the same time, he befriended me like this, why would i change myself for him,or anyone for that matter?...ive seriously considered getting tested for bipolar because my life has been a roller coaster this past summer and even now im not totally down on myself but im not the most chipper ive ever been either...im growing away from my best friend in the whole world and i hate that and that pisses me off...i need her to be there for me the same as ive needed her for the last year but its not reciprocated like it once was and again that sounds pissy and moany but i guess i just like being depended upon...ive been replaced by some newbies...guess that shows the devotion of friends when you're(or recently have been)grounded, huh?..."shopping" among other things, isnt a really friend test HELL NO get grounded and see how fast people scatter...absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder...it pisses me off that thats another "truth" ive had ripped right out from underneath me...absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it makes it forget and pisses it off when faced with the fact of actually having to be someones friend EVEN IF you cant see them everyday...sorry to those of you this offen...on second thought, no im not sorry if this pissed you off/made you sad/made you feel guilty, you are probably due some anger/sadness/guilt right now...killers often return to the crime scene, and im starting to understand why...no im not gonna go postal, but its like a car crash...even though its gruesome, nobody can help but look at it...i keep returning to this friendship that isnt helping me grow, it isnt advancing me as a person, its just fun to be around that person, but is that always the thing to worry about? i mean,friendship is supposed to be able to put up with the bitchy parts of people too right?...so those of you with good intentions that have stuck by me for years and years,thanks...the rest of you, dont bother...
-*rock on*-
ash

so i just got home from babysitting and had three dreams......

one-so i was at my birthday party and it was my 16th and believe in you was playing like specailly for my birthday (god dont i wish) so my mom and gab were stupid enough to plan it at a time when they knew id have to babysit so in the middle of my party i had to go work and by the time i got back, the whole band and my partygoers had left so i sat in the middle of my living room and cried hehe

two-i was working and brian was michaels older brother (god dont i wish michael had a cool older brother like bri rather than an idiot like dan)and he was just kinda chillin at the house and so all of a sudden i got this sudden urge to take a shower at their house so i asked brian if he was staying at the house or not and he said he was so i went to shower and when i got out bri had left and i went out in the street to look down it and see if his car was still visible in the street (all while in a towel still) and he came up from behind me and honked just in time for me to turn around and see that he was running me down......

three-paul was drunk and came to my house and set it on fire.....yeah thats basically it.....

so in conclusion, when believe in you is finally back in buffalo (the 28th bitches, but then they leave again:-()brian is gonna try and hit me with his car and paul will set my house on fire.....but ill still ask them to come back and play my birthday arty, which they will, but will leave before i get back from work.....that kinda sucks.....and wow this is the third day in a row ive updated, third times the charm i think.....and its a very sad day indeed, third to none broke up!!!!!how incredibly awful.....:-(
-*rock on*-
ash

so now that i updated with actual feelings rather than "so omgod i totally went to the mall today wih gab!" it actually kinda feels good to write in here.
despite the copious amounts of hate that often pour from me, i think this is the entry i need to mention a few people that i know have livejournal and will read this.
gab-you are the best friend a girl could have, thanks for stickin with me through the ups and downs of my emotions and bipolarity. i hope we stick with each other through anything and everything, i cant imagine my sanity without you.....hmm this sounds like a guy thanking his gf for something lol.

shawna-you are the one that will try anything and everything to cheer me up, no matter what it is. you can be serious with me when i get into bitchy moods and if im in the mood to bash someone, youre always there to contribute....hmm im not sure if thats such a good thing haha. you were there for me last summer through all the shit and im hoping for a better summer this yer, to share good rather than bad.....thank you.....

caroline-i love you, thats basically it lol.....youre always making me laugh and i cant remember a time this school year that if ive had a problem ,you didnt have time for me....no matter how much of a rush you were in youd listen to me and all ym bitching haha......im so glad we were (pretty much) able to carry our meadow friendship over without much of a hassle......and i would still be able to hear the words "ultra sensors" without laughing if it werent for you....i love you.....

meg-im not sure how much you actually check my livejournallol but u definitely deserve to be thanked....you were my best friend 7th and 8th and im glad this year we could still see each other on a regular basis.....im glad u r so receptive to meet your meat hehe luv ya

im sorry if i forgot anyone, i might have just forgotten you had an lj, if so just comment on this telling me how much of an asshole i am and ill make a special entry, just for you......this is quite the contrast to the last entry, which shows how lucky i am to have the above mentioned girls to help me out.....but the fact remains i still feel like im putting on a front, and if i start to act the way i feel like, ill lose them......but i dont like not being true to myself.....so in summary, im a bitch with great friends.....
-*rock on*-
ash

so i really hate livejournal and im totally not into it but some friends have been bitching for me to update soo.....
ive been getting very....introverted lately. if i have blown you off recently, i am deeply sorry, there are just very few people i am in the mood to be around lately. i feel like before, i was invincible, and now,life is finally catching up to me. yeah i know it sounds totally cheesy, but ive started to realize how little in life we are actually responsible for. others dictate 80 percent of our life, whether we like to admit it or not. from things as mundane as your parents being the only way for you to get somewhere to hang out with your friends to as serious as being in a band and having fans pretty much decide your success, amount of records sold, whether you stay "underground" or not, etc.and that sucks. is it such an awful thing for me to have 100 percent control over my life? is it really that big to ask? i just recently have felt like im in a cage and fighting to get out but im not totally sure why im trying, why i dont just curl up in the corner and accept fate. i dont have this awful horrible home life, a terrible childhood, and unsupportive,shitty parents and bad friends and family, accepting that this is how it will always be would almost be an easier road to take. but i look at my parents and realize thats what happened to them, they SETTLED, they didnt TRY for what they wanted, they just took the easiest road and went with it. mind you, if they hadnt, i might not have had an awesome childhood like i did but still,i feel like every minute in my skin/life/town/family is another minute wasted,another time i could spend doing something else, being someone else. thats not to say theres no good in my life, my friends and music and going to youth group with reynders pretty much sustains me, but lately my life has been more dominated by bad moods and bad shit in general. and on top of having all these crappy feelings, i start to feel bad for having them and try to hide them and be the happy little ashley everyone expects. then i start to be unhappy with this fake-me and it just gets worse. and its not anyones fault, by any means, i do this to myself. so maybe im just a bitchy little piss pot who deserves nothing she has, like great friends, a bunch of awesome local bands to get closer to, and a generally stable life/family. but this is how i feel. so for everyone that always tells livejournal is better than myspace and i need to update more, sorry you asked?